World's Dumbest Bumper Sticker

I saw an amazingly stupid bumper sticker last Friday, the 13th (co-incidence?) but I know not everyone will agree with me.

You see, one of my peeves about the current socio-political climate in America is this weird idea that liberals are smarter than conservatives. There was a recent article about this very topic, and I get what the point is, even while I think it misses the point in some ways as well. I agree that radical ideas start with "intellectual" folks that are usually liberal-minded (in a modern, 2009 sense, for you that hold on to early 20th Century political definitions) and that over time, some become absorbed into the mainstream, like the idea that it's not okay to just shoot your dog. Once a radical idea, now most of us seem to get that it's not okay, right?

However, there are those radical (liberal?) ideas that are foisted upon the teeming masses with the intent to marginalize their opponents and mainstream ideas/behaviors that are not mainstream. These can be to the detriment of society, like, gosh, I dunno, communism? Socialism? Fascism? Radical ideas (from each according to their ability, to each according to their need) aren't always the good ideas, that's why man purses will never take hold. Or, I hope, a single-payer, government-run health care system in America, but I digress.

What I really find frustrating is the intellectuals that just aren't that smart. You know, the ones that get the subtlety of everything yet don't really get anything. All the while condemning the heathen masses and their simplistic, black and white views on everything.

The bumper sticker read: "What we really need is a Department of Peace!" Now this seems soooooo profound, for about 7 seconds. First, I asked myself: is there currently a Department of War? I just googled it, and the answer is "no," not since 1949, really, when the Department of Defense took over. Second, then, since your stupid bumper sticker is now a little stupider, is "do you think that the opposite of "Defense" is "Peace?" If so, you are approaching monumental idiocy.

Ok, this took me very little time to work out, and as I had some drive time left, I asked the tough question: Ok, let's play along, and accept your (stupid, ridiculous, simplistic, puerile) premise: what, exactly, would this Peace Department look like? How would it be structured to go about Peace-ing the country, and would it attempt to Peace other countries as well? If so, how would that be accomplished? Seriously, who would you hire to head this Department? What would they do all day?

I get how Defending a country works, even from nebulous terrorists like those hiding in caves, but how does one Peace a country? It took me approximately 37 seconds to come up with these last few questions for the driver of the well-kept Buick sporting this idiocy, why didn't he take the time before attaching this gluey platitude to his rear end?

This did leave more questions: if we have a Dept. of Peace, how do we define Peace? Is it when no one wants to kill Americans in our borders or internationally? Is it when there is an absence of conflict? (Good luck on that, by the way, if history is any guide). Is it when we no longer have the need for any military forces? If so, how do we achieve that?

If Peace is the absence of conflict, it'll never happen: conflict is a part of the natural state of things, and peace is clearly the aberration. This notion that harmony exists in the natural world (without evil human influence) is a joke: forms of stasis, sure, but harmony? Never. Every episode of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, or Marty Stouffer's Wild America tells the same tale: survival is a struggle up and down the food chain, eat or be eaten. Surely even the most dyed-in-the-wool liberal gets that, right? Didn't Darwin teach us anything?

Peace can only be achieved in a few ways. One, of course, is to surrender. The Islamic fascist terrorists would be happy if we surrendered and accepted their terms, and peace would result, right? We aren't talking about an aggressor that will compromise, so if negotiation and diplomacy are your plans, know that the only way to achieve peace is converting to Islam and surrendering. Not an option?